I would throw things, punch holes in walls, and he would not leave my side. I would yell and scream and cry and apologize, and he would not leave my side. The anger, the passion, the love, the violence… but that man did not leave my side. I was trying to be a semi normal human, but soon the real me came out. As soon as my sessions were up, we were dating. He was sweet, funny, handsome, and he listened to me. And boy am I glad I did! As soon as I saw my trainer, I was hooked. I lived like that on my own for a few years before deciding to join a gym. If you have bipolar, you know bipolar and antidepressants alone do not make a good combo, because the anti-depressants may be treating the depression side, but it’s leaving the mania side wide open to have a field day. ![]() ![]() I was finally sent to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as manic depressive (also known as bipolar) and put on antidepressants. Either I wouldn’t come out of bed for days at a time or I was going days on such little sleep. My symptoms continued to worsen – the depression and the anxiety, and oh such recklessness. Later, my addiction grew to taking pills. I continued to drink and soon started smoking weed. Finally, I was sent to the doctor and was diagnosed as having a nervous breakdown. A couple years after I graduated, my anger escalated, and I began banging my head on the wall until it would bleed, pulling out my hair, and trembling throughout my whole body. Later, I realized I was doing this to self-medicate. In high school, I would fill up a couple of thermoses with beer and be sort of drunk by the time I got to school. But I enjoyed it, and this became a nightly ritual. I was probably in the 4th grade – this was the mid 80’s and it had not yet become quite as known as it is now. I was doing this before anyone even knew what cutting was. I watched the blood flow in the stream of water from the faucet and it gave me such a calming feeling. This was the beginning of my poorly executed suicide attempts.Ī few years later while in our bathroom, I found a razor blade and while playing with it, I sliced my finger. ![]() In kindergarten, I tried to walk in front of a moving tractor trailer truck, but it swerved out of the way. She thought this was normal behavior for children. As a young child when I would get upset, I would cry to my mom that I wanted to kill myself. “I have bipolar 1 disorder, rapid cycling with severe mood disorder.
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